It has almost been a year since meeting suzy and living in barnsdall. to be honest I had no idea that i would be here a year later. I had prepared myself to go back to downtown or even just the streets that been my go to hours after my dad passed two years before. My rock star dying was like an bomb hit. With decades of addiction to sooth my soul trading one addiction in for another only seem to take darker routes . Most who have done time in the streets will know that you have to quickly form alliance amoung strangers in order to not become the hunted. And in doing so you place a certain amount of trust in these people that you should seek guidance from your higher power these are not a smoking mirror effect. Jepeto games are far to often overlooked or just scuffed off as mere coinscidence. The streets are like war just no gratitude or appreciation
As time and chaos unravelled not one time in a during the moment of self pity did i just stop and see the situation for what it truly was and i damn sure never looked for a way out or another alternative. And perhaps thats how so many get lost and never come back from an addicts life. But anytime spent in N/A or A/A class or study the one thing that holds true Once an addict always an addict and by giving us chips or keys or coins that is to demonstrate our progress is to be like a badge of honor. But in my case and most likely many that fall blindly to the streets addiction is survival and what we are really are cheap and easy pawns for other players in a eat or be eaten raffle of our souls. Depending on your drug of choice or to the extent that ur minds tricks your body into thinking you can feel better or numb or feel nothing at all is the unbalanced rule and measure of life. You either spend all your life surviving or you survive to be able to live. The survival is supposed to make the enjoyment out of living life worth the fight . It has taken me three years to be able to even want to relive those moments those thoughts or sort out the madness that bottom line i created. And even as i relive the last three years in order to heal i only hope that just one person reads this will find a reason to live rather than survive.
Coming from east coast to the mid west 15 yrs ago my choices and lifestyle were far from perfect i sold crack cocaine in a tiny little town south of orlando florida i had the cars the money and all the headache and trouble that comes along with that and when my kids wer 5 and 2 i decided that oklahoma was a start at better way of life. In all truths if i could have left addiction to pain pills and alcohol on the east coast i may not be here today trying to relive the past. you hear all the time that its not healthy to live in the past but if you arent healed from your past how are you to move on to anything better.?
So with my kiddos i came to skiatook to meet my grandpa Greenfeather who at the time was about 70 some years old and the last time he saw me was when i was about 8 months old on my momma hip who was 16 and married and asking for diaper money . Not knowing the battlefield he had survived i came only knowing he was a widowed indian preacher who wanted nothing more but his only granddaughter and his only great grandkids to come live with him. definatly a change for me and my kids but it was worth any awkwardness that a preachermans home could offer.